Monday, January 28, 2008

School Rules

I don't think I'd ever say this, but I really really am glad I am back at school. Seeing people who are so diverse in what they wear and act is extremely refreshing. Sure, you might see a group of hipster clones wandering around or large sunglasses being used a little too much.

But the thing is, everyone has such a refreshingly different personality that even if they might dress similarly you can't mistake one for another.

Also, while I was painfully abstinent over break, in the few days I've been here I've developed a few new crushes. Wooo!!!

To be said with the same voice as "Yeah Toast":

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Harper's Bazaar said so!

NEWSFLASH: Leggings are out. So last season hun, get yourself some pants.


EDIT: Judges You Like a Hipster does NOT judge you based on your body type. We firmly believe that there is a fashion for every body and you can look very glamorous. Calling someone fat is not ok!

Sunday, January 20, 2008


dear fellow humans,
before you deign to participate in modes of public (and private) transportation, please remember to bathe.

love, the masses.

3 pm on a friday--haunting an old stomping ground

one of the main reasons no student likes to leave their collegiate bubble is that s/he often realizes that whatever rules they play by at school aren't necessarily the ones their old zip code abide. this is only one of many reasons i'm not a fan of my suburban new jersey town, but this was the one that had me dreading returning to my old high school to pick up my sister.

unfortunately, i had good reason. every unoriginal girl who sported Ugg boots and teal Juicy tracksuits from That Clique in my grade has apparently been replaced by girls who find their calling in "edgy" hooded sweatshirts (i.e. black + roses and skulls) and leggings as pants. 

i watched as they flocked into closed circles to compare text messages for approx. three minutes before i gave up and fled to starbucks. i was sure that i'd find solace in enough cinnamon-sprinkled foam to make myself forget what i had seen, but i was sadly mistaken-- there was a line out the door of legging-clad girls from the middle school.

to aspiring sienna millers everywhere-- i judge you. because you fail.


Saturday, January 19, 2008

The plaid factor

If Tim Gunn says it's hot, it must be!

Heidi Klum was spotted wearing a PLAID ruffled tunic. Tim gave it two thumbs up! Congrats, sweetheart, you truly are a revolutionary in the fashion world!

As for Lindsay Blowhan: plaid tights are out. Congratulations, you have officially convinced the general public that you do not own pants (and you still look bad without them). Tim Gunn says: BIG FAT NO.

I am glad to report that the chicest hipster style is slowly taking over Hollywood.


Thursday, January 17, 2008

Sorority Girls

I guess you could say that I have come to a sudden realization: sorority girls don't dress well. I was terribly mistaken when I thought otherwise.

You, Miss Sorority Sister, have lots of money to spend. It's just a proven fact. So why dress like you don't know what's black and what's brown?

PS: Elle Woods always dressed well.

PPS: If you don't know who that is, you should consider hipsterdom. Seriously.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

12:54 AM, Regal Cinemas

fat police officers do not make me feel safe.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

10:02 PM, google

hipster erotica?

something tells me that this could be kind of gnarly. like the inside of a hipstertruckerhat.

like elk, hipsters roam together.

so why the hell do i always see your emaciated being sitting in front of thislittlecoffeeshop alone? get the memo, kid. hipsters are only cool when moving en masse.

dear britney,

yet again i find myself stumped by your brilliance. or, rather, what i have chosen to see as your brilliance.
wearing your old wedding dress to buy a car with a paparrazo?
this could mean SO many things. you could be making SO many statements.
a. i am completely, and utterly, insane. off my rocker like nanny crocker. three sheets to the wind.
b. this is my old wedding dress. i wear it to buy my lame-ass paparrazo boyfriend's car. oh, wait. i mean, help him rent himself a new car.
c. you wanna piece of me? i'd be willing to sell it to you.

britney, i think it is time we moved our relationship forward.

that is all.
also, sorry about the spawn of federline. not gonna lie, they kinda brought down your glam factor.

a darkened movie theater-- 4:20-6:30 pm

look, the only reason i didn't tear your heads off your shoulders after two hours of burping and talking through every moment of tense, artsy silence was because you didn't get the student discount like your behavior suggested, but the senior discount. seeing this movie was probably the highlight of your new year. thanks to you people, though, it was emphatically not the highlight of mine.  it turns out that the coen brothers are weird enough without quavery squeaks of "oh nooooo, it's the BAD GUY!" whenever javier bardem showed off his monk haircut on screen (note to readers: aforementioned "bad guy"is in almost every scene).

in conclusion-- elders, if you can't respect a spanish heartbreaker blatantly fishing for an oscar in the dusty west, i sure as hell can't respect you.


3:16 PM, carpool line

hipsters have children? also, if i were you, i'd be thanking thegodofeverythingholy that he/she/it has to wear a uniform.

believe me, it's for the best. promise.

7:45 AM, Harvey

Under no circumstances is it appropriate or cool not to be wearing a bra.

Don't deny the power of the brassiere.

Monday, January 14, 2008

5 PM, Starbucks

dear sir,

most of us have difficulty taking young children who believe in unicorns seriously.
you are not a young child, and that is most definitely a unicorn on your shirt.

step away from your soy latte and walk outside. take a breath or two of reality. believing in unicorns is just like believing in vice president cheney- genuinely pathetic and generally unsafe.

College bookstores are evil

As much fun as it is to support the institution that sucks your money to look fashionable with your Alma Matter proudly displayed on your chest. It's just. Not. Cool. Do you want to look like the Michelin Man? College food is unkind but that is no reason to dress in one solid color.

Do yourself a favor, TJ Maxx is cheaper and cuter. Plus you can buy ten times the things there than you can for one outfit at your friendly local bookstore.

Think about it.

[Executive Edit: while an illustration of the Michelin Man provided for a visual representation of the ideas presented in this entry, it scared the bo peeps out of me.  i actually had to sleep my way through a nightmare in which i played a game of pool with the Michelin Man only to have him smother me between his many, many folds of fat when he lost. gross. --cee]

10:25 AM, Glenwood

i saw you again today. typing on your blackberry whilst simultaneously careening down a hill on an old rickety bike is no small feat. snaps for that. yet again, you achieve things most humans could never dream of accomplishing.

however, i must admit, your biking habits worry me. blackberry-ing and biking without a helmet, i fear, is a terrible recipe for disaster.

also, it's winter. get a jacket. that sad-looking piece of cloth is not proper outerwear, i'm afraid to say.

that is all.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

8:56 PM, Whole Foods

i saw you. i mean, it's not like you were making an effort to stay inconspicuous in this great southern land of everythingbathed, everythingpolo, and everythingjuicycouture. snaps for your great resolve in remaining creative in this stifling atmosphere. i congratulate you.

however, why? why would you do such a cruel thing to what was once an innocently ancient tweed vest safely tucked away in some hidden bin at salvation army? intuition tells me that poor piece of attire (suitable only for the elderly) never thought it would find itself so uselessly draped upon this emaciated chest of yours, sir. 

this, paired with your acid-washed skinny jeans, a brown felt hat, and a carefully chosen notsowellknown indie band t-shirt, begs the question- do you WANT to look homeless? with all the epochs of fashion you have hanging on your skinny bones, you look nothing more than a terrifically skilled dumpster-diver-- able to acquire a full ensemble of clothing in only two city blocks.

don't get me wrong, i adore skinny jeans. on a good day, it seems like they can flatter almost anybody. even acid-washed skinny jeans can be pulled off well. however, even the most flattering, attractive, well-made pair of acid-washed skinny jeans do not look good worn about the asscrack.

plumber's butt has never been fashionable, sir.

one last thing. those snazzy sneakers you were sporting had no soles.

dear britney,

please be my best friend. forever. we can stuff cheetos down each others throats and act a crazy all over beverly hills. we could run around together in our scivies at the most inopportune times. you could use my sanity, i could use your money.

a match made in heaven.


hey, you.

yes, you. this morning, i judged you as you tastefully styled each piece of your dirty hair in the mirror. i judged you as you filled your mason jar with coffee. when you stepped out your front door in your old-school sneakers, i judged you. i judged you as you hopped astride your thisismemakingastatementbike and rode off into the sunrise with that old-school backpack of yours hanging limp and uselessly on your back.
why would i judge you so?
because you're a goon, that's why. because you NEED to be judged. your very existence as a hipster practically BEGS for judgement.
i guess what i'm trying to say here is that the absurd "otherness" of hipsterdom intrigues me. it beffudles me. it challenges everything i have learned and like to think about this world.
and as you judge me, a member of the greatignorantmasses- unenlightened about the merits of wearing grandpa's sweaters and listening to radiohead, i judge you.