8:56 PM, Whole Foods

i saw you. i mean, it's not like you were making an effort to stay inconspicuous in this great southern land of everythingbathed, everythingpolo, and everythingjuicycouture. snaps for your great resolve in remaining creative in this stifling atmosphere. i congratulate you.

however, why? why would you do such a cruel thing to what was once an innocently ancient tweed vest safely tucked away in some hidden bin at salvation army? intuition tells me that poor piece of attire (suitable only for the elderly) never thought it would find itself so uselessly draped upon this emaciated chest of yours, sir. 

this, paired with your acid-washed skinny jeans, a brown felt hat, and a carefully chosen notsowellknown indie band t-shirt, begs the question- do you WANT to look homeless? with all the epochs of fashion you have hanging on your skinny bones, you look nothing more than a terrifically skilled dumpster-diver-- able to acquire a full ensemble of clothing in only two city blocks.

don't get me wrong, i adore skinny jeans. on a good day, it seems like they can flatter almost anybody. even acid-washed skinny jeans can be pulled off well. however, even the most flattering, attractive, well-made pair of acid-washed skinny jeans do not look good worn about the asscrack.

plumber's butt has never been fashionable, sir.

one last thing. those snazzy sneakers you were sporting had no soles.