6:15 PM, Dining Hall on Elm

you wear that cape, kid. you wear it with pride. you cavort about in this damn arctic climate of death practically naked in the elements and you LIKE it.

don't worry, no one's laughing.

because when you go to bed tonight with no friends and cold feet at least you can say:

"DAMN. i can't feel my toes, but i'm SO fucking glad i wore the cape today."

hey, you.

yes, you.

the blonde in the leggings and ugg boots.

that's ENOUGH. it's OVER. it's safe now. you can bring the pants out of hiding.

see? isn't this GREAT? you CAN cover your ass and keep your feet warm at the same time!

i've begun to think this is what makes the 21st century so damn awesome.

12:02 AM, Dining Hall

our world may be going to hell in a handbasket, but it's still early february. winter.

it's cold outside. i'm surprised that the two feet of snow outside wasn't a dead give-away, but there you have it. it's 34 degrees fahrenheit out there. cold enough to freeze the ass of a monkey.

this is why i suggest that you tuck your midriff safely away under your shirt, tuck your sandals back beneath your bed until spring and invest in some nice sturdy winter shoes and carry along on your merry way.

so, here's the thing

we all have those mornings where staying in bed for an extra half-hour seems like a better idea than getting up, dressed, and bathed for life. showers at times do come in a far second to fulfilling a deep need for early-morning rest.

we all have days when we must go closet-diving for our last remaining article of semi-clean clothing- which is, invariably, a conveniently forgotten shrunken t-shirt in pale-chartreuse from sophomore year of high-school. that may or may not have been purchased at wet seal with allowance money.

in any event, some mornings all of us have difficulty preparing for life. it's ok. it's a fact of life.

however, if your hair is going to be tangled and matted and greasy like that... PUT IT AWAY. hide it. put it up. they make hats, headbands, hairbows, hair clips, headscarves, hair ties, and a veritable plethora of other assorted hair accessories for precisely THIS reason.

no excuses.

sort of like skorts

skirts weren't made to wear over jeans.

so please don't wear them over jeans.

some things were meant to die in the 80s

like those glasses. if they're big enough to cover three-quarters of your face and are majorly interfering with your mullet, then they've kind of become a problem.

a huge, colored-plastic, magnifying problem ON. YOUR. FACE.

for the love of christ, consider some smaller frames.

also, the whole croakie action going on around your neck is entirely unnecessary. like, for real. i have difficulty believing that there is even the slightest possibility that you could ever lose those glasses. even if you tried. they're massive, plastic, and purple. tying them to a red cord about your neck just seems so, i don't know, redundant. useless. weird. those massive dinosaurs are going nowhere fast.

also, it might be about time to re-consider that mullet, while you're at it. you're not middle-aged, male OR driving a truck professionally so i'm pretty sure that's not the image you wish to present of yourself.

a note to the general collegiate populace

SHUT.

THE.

FUCK.

UP.

about your damn life experiences. i mean, we all have them, we just choose not to share them in the middle of class.

also, i'm relatively certain you're not the first person to have realized that this american studies course does not touch on international issues. however, i'm relatively certain that everyone else who realized that and cared didn't SIGN UP FOR IT. so quit your damn whining.